The zealots

I love animals. I do, everyone knows that. I am proud to say that I was arrested for protesting the Russian Circus when it came to town. They pull out the bears' teeth and make them ice skate. Which is fine, I guess if you are getting heavy endorsements from Nike and Gatorade. But I doubt real hard American currency benefits the bears much. 

Anyway, I was in jail, for like, I dunno, 45 minutes or something. They let me go on my own reconnaissances. Which means they found me trustworthy. And the prison guard flirting paid off. 

As it always does. 

So I am on some list of bleeding heart animal freaks. Again, I love animals but zealots make me really nervous.

Here is a list of various zealots that make me nervous from highest to lowest:

Religious Zealots

Right-Wing Republicans (who have never been out of the continental United States)

Hippies

Regular Right-Wing Republicans

Animal Zealots

Diet Zealots

Fashion Zealots

Bleeding Heart Liberals (who have lived everywhere and everywhere is better)
Health Zealots

So I get an email from the animal zealots begging me to be in a Pet first-aid class. Which made me think: What would I rather be doing than being in an animal first aid class full of animal zealots?

Here is a list of things I would rather be doing from first to last:

Winning money on a game show
Taking my kid to Fernbank on a Sunny day
Go to Einstein's for a nice sandwich
Taking a nap
Buying new spanx
Clipping my toenails
Wiping bottom after bathroom break
Cleaning out cat box
Calling my weird dad
Looking at my negative balance in my bank
Calling bank and begging forgiveness
Unloading dishwasher
Cleaning up cat puke on stairs
Poking myself in eye with ballpoint pen

Studying molecular fusion in a university where English is a secondary language

Having genitals removed by the ghost of Josef Mengele
Coming into the office wearing no pants
Taking a pet first aid course

More lists to follow soon.