Why I won't read your email.

1) You have been hit on the head and think that text messaging has replaced good old fashioned literacy. Sentences are not capitalized. Words are condensed and you is replaced by U. It isn’t and it hasn’t. Please be careful, my time is precious and so am I. You are however a pain in my ass and you own too many cats.

2) YOU WRITE IN ALL CAPS!! PERHAPS YOU ARE ON THE WAY TO THE HOSPITAL WITH A COKE BOTTLE TRAPPED IN YOUR ASS. NO? Then stop writing like you are 13 years old.

3) You have a quote from Margaret Thatcher and think that I am some drooling idiot who needs to be saved and repositioned in society and will somehow be changed by reading this dumb ass philosophy that you even can't fully grasp.

4) You take four paragraphs of space and countess moments of time to say something you can quickly say in, lets say 2 seconds. But no, you give me details. And you like details. And More details. Do you not feel important anywhere in your life? Is that what this is about? And then you’ll add some brackets that (well, contain a separate thought when a comma will do) Then you continue to spell things out even more clearly. My Goodness, this is a long email! Oh and a quick quip to pull it all together!! But guess what?? I stopped reading about your email and am considering what my husband said last night about my fantasies about Joqwuin Phoenix or however you spell that guys name. Funny, Sid is spooky when he reads my mind like that. I mean, how can he know these things? What? Where did you go?

5) You put exclamation points everywhere!!! So exciting!!! Fresh Coffee in the breakroom!!! Why, we get coffee everyday!!! But somehow this is different!!!! Look!! little chemical french vanilla pouches!!!!! Just like last month!! When you go home at night, are you in prison!!!???? Were you raised as a chicken by your senile grandparents like that poor boy I saw on television the other day???!! Holy Fuck, you are dull!!

6) You put photos of clouds or spirals from notebooks in the background of your email. Did you think I would forget that I am in a dreary office and not really outside? Do I think your computer came with a fountain pen-like mouse? And the clouds? We’re all real happy about working in gray cubical boxes in which the coolest thing about them is that they are kind of squishy and you can put pins and things in them but seriously - I know I am in a box. And guess what? You are not writing outside. Put the fucking clouds away. They make your email huge and they make me want to punch you.

7) You forward emails and never write a personal note. They are emails in which the returns are forwarded and the copy is huge and skips around and gives me bad dreams at night. I never read the body of the email but get the gist that Jesus won’t love me anymore unless I repeat your prayer on the bottom of the email and then add one of my own. Now you want me to pass this email on to six hundred of my coworkers who I am sure will look up to me after I pass along such a sophisticated piece of professional literature. Oh and did you know what I prayed for? For your queer-bait Thomas Kinkaid artwork to catch on fire.